Old Age Insults:
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Yo momma's so old her birth certificate is in Roman numerals
Yo momma's so old her breasts squirt out powderd milk
Yo momma's so old she knew the Virgin Mary when she was 10 and said Lil Mary will never amount to anything
Yo momma's so old I looked in her year book and saw jesus
Yo momma's so old i told her to act her age and she died
Yo momma's so old if she were a car it would be time to roll back her odometer
Yo momma's so old it looks like the Wrinkle Fairy tap danced on her face
Yo momma's so old I've seen stale rasins with less wrinkles
Yo momma's so old her first job was as Cain and Abel' babysitter
Yo momma's so old Jurassic Park brought back memories
Yo momma's so old one of her pets was on on Noahs Ark
Yo momma's so old her social security number is 1
Yo momma's so old she babysat for Jesus
Yo momma's so old she called the cops when David and Goliath started to fight
Yo momma's so old she co-wrote one of the Ten Commandments
Yo momma's So old she dated moses
Yo momma's so old she got hieroglyphics on her Driver license
Yo momma's so old she got the first copy of the Ten Commandments
Yo momma's so old her social security card is in roman numerals
Yo momma's so old she has a picture of Jesus in her yearbook
Yo momma's so old she has all the apostles in her black book
Yo momma's so old she has an autographed bible
Yo momma's so old she knew Burger King while he was still a prince
Yo momma's so old she knew Captain Crunch while he was still a private
Yo momma's so old she knew Mr Clean when he had an afro
Yo momma's so old she left her purse on noahs ark
Yo momma's so old she needed a walker when Jesus was still in diapers
Yo momma's so old she owes Fred Flintstone a food stamp
Yo momma's so old she owes Moses a quarter
Yo momma's so old she recalls when the Grand Canyon was a ditch
Yo momma's so old she remembers what life was like before the ice age
Yo momma's so old she took her drivers test on a dinosaur
Yo momma's so old she uses her hot flashes to heat her cup of Tea
Yo momma's so old she walked into an antique store and they kept her
Yo momma's so old she went to an antiques auction and three people bid on her
Yo momma's so old she's mentioned in the shout out at the end of the bible
Yo momma's so old that in the back seat of your car kids don't say Are we there yet they scream Is she Dead yet
Yo momma's so old that she had Jesus tattoo the ten commandments on her back
Yo momma's so old she was a waitress at the last supper
Yo momma's So old she went blind from the big bang
Yo momma's so old she DJ'd at the Boston Tea Party
Yo momma's so old she drove a chariot to high school
Yo momma's so old that when God said let the be light she hit the switch
Yo momma's so old that when she was in school there was no history class
Yo momma's so old the candles cost more than the birthday cake
Yo momma's so old the fire department are on standby when you light her birthday cake
Yo momma's so old they ask to check her bags and she's not carrying any luggage
Yo momma's so old vultures constantly circle her house
Yo momma's so old when Moses parted the Red Sea he found her fishing on the other side
Yo momma's so old when she gave birth, you came out with Dentures
Yo momma's so old when she ran the 100 meter dash they timed her with a sundial
Yo momma's so old when she reads the bible she reminisces
Yo momma's so old when she was a kid there was no old spice it was called baby spice
Yo momma's so old when she was born the Dead Sea was just getting sick
Yo momma's so old when she was young rainbows were black and white
Yo momma's so old you put her in a museum instead of an old folks home
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Old Age Jokes
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A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is
the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.
She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
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An accident really uncanny,
Befell an unfortunate granny.
She sat down in a chair
While her false teeth were there,
And bit herself right in the fanny!
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What is the best birth control method for really-old seniors?
Nudity.
What's the most useless thing in Grandma's house?
Grandpa's thing.
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
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Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly
widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."
"So you're 96," the undertaker commented. "Hardly worth going home, isn't
it?"
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The Senate is investigating deceptive sweepstakes practices. These companies
target the elderly and make them think they will receive a bunch of money,
but in reality they never see any of it.
The most popular of these scams is called Social Security.
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I've sure gotten old. I've had 2 By-pass surgeries. A hip replacement, new
knees. Fought prostate cancer, and diabetes. I'm half blind, can't hear
anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make
me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have
poor circulation, hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if
I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But.....Thank God, I still have my Florida driver's license!
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The doctor tells his patient: "Well I have good news and bad news..."
The patient says, "Lay it on me Doc. What's the bad news?"
"You have Alzheimer's disease."
"Good heavens! What's the good news?"
"You can go home and forget about it!"
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When you are young, you want to be the master of your fate and the captain
of your soul. When you are older, you will settle for being the master of
your weight and the captain of your bowling team.
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A 97 year old man goes into his doctor's office.
"Doc, I want my sex drive lowered."
"Sir", replied the doctor, "You're 97. Don't you think you're 'sex drive' is
all in your head?"
"You're damned right it is!" replied the old man. "That's why I want it
lowered!"
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God, grant me the Senility
To forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune
To run into the ones I do,
And the eyesight
To tell the difference.
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Three ladies were discussing the travails of getting older. One said,
"Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while
standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need
to put it away, or start making a sandwich."
The second lady chimed in with, "Yes, sometimes I find myself on the landing
of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way
down."
The third one responded, " Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem.
Knock on wood," as she rapped her knuckles on the table, and then said,
"That must be the door, I'll get it!"
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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be
careful!"
"Hell," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"
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An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her
final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she
wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over
Bloomingdales.
"Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week."
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Funny Old Age Quotes:
"You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder
what else you could do while you're down there." George Burns.
"He is alive, but only in the sense that he can't be legally buried."
Geoffrey Madan
"A man's only as old as the woman he feels." Groucho Marx.
"People ask me what I'd most appreciate getting for my eighty-seventh
birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit." George Burns.
"I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap." Bob Hope
"When I was a boy, the Dead Sea was only sick." George Burns
"I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my
ears meet." Rita Rudner.
"I do wish I could tell you my age but it's impossible. It keeps changing
all the time." Greer Garson.
"Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had
pimples." George Burns
"Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your
children will not have declared you legally insane in order to gain control
of your estate." Woody Allen
"I'm very pleased to be here. Let's face it, at my age I'm very pleased to
be anywhere." George Burns.
"Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did."
Robert Benchley
"Blessed are the young, for they shall inherit the National Debt." Herbert
Hoover
"I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in it's holder is a thrill."
George Burns
"The secret of longevity is to keep breathing." Sophie Tucker
"At my age I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the
obituaries page and if I'm not there I carry on as usual." Patrick Moore.
"I'm very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed,
sold me this watch." Woody Allen.
"At my age flowers scare me." George Burns.
"My grandmother was a very tough woman. She burried three husbands and two
of them were just napping." Rita Rudner
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